Recent Splats according to Miz Yank

Sleep Numbers

I apologize for the delay in reporting the results of my sleep study.  Several people noticed that my October 3rd appointment date had come and gone and they started to ask me about it, in rather impatient tones.  None of them came right out and said, “You’re up for half the night, WHY THE H&^$ AREN’T YOU WRITING THE $^&-ING BLOG?!?” but I could tell they were thinking it.

I soon figured out what was driving their acute interest in my sleep.  It’s not so much that they’re worried about my well-being as they’re constantly on the lookout for new weapons to deploy in the Global War On Spousal Snoring. Since I’m nothing if not an expert on all things marital, I’m delighted to be of service.

I went back to see the doctor last Wednesday.  He handed me a report that contained my sleep study stats, and they do not add up to apnea:

  • Time in the bed: 419 min
  • Time Sleeping: 259 min (62%)
  • REM sleep total: 36 min (14%)
  • Time awake after sleep onset: 117 min.
  • Number of “Arousals”: 79.  (For the gutter-minded who immediately thought, “Well no wonder she’s up all night,”  I regret to inform you that one of your favorite romantic euphemisms also moonlights as a scientific term for snoring yourself awake.)
  • No limb movements
  • No cardiac arrhythmias
  • Heart rate while awake: 47.5 BPM
  • Heart rate while asleep: 47 BPM.
  • Oxygen saturation while awake: 99%
  • Oxygen saturation while asleep: 92%

After walking me through the numbers, the doctor said, “Your sleep architecture doesn’t indicate a physiological issue beyond snoring.”  Maybe not, but I’m pretty sure any building with my architecture would be condemned.

I said, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to hear I won’t have to wear that mask…but what do I do now?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” he said, all smiles and reassurance.  “There’s a product now that treats the snoring. If you can manage not to disrupt your sleep in the first place, then your problem of being awake for long periods might solve itself.”

This sounded great until he started telling me about the product, which is basically a high-tech adhesive that you place under each nostril.  That’s right: I’m gonna solve my problems with nose stickers.  Then he handed me the product literature.  It has a photo that depicts a woman in a state of restful slumber, looking perfectly natural for someone who’s snorted a butterfly.

When the guy in the background catches a glimpse of the nose stickers and dumps her, I hope she uses this photo in her online dating profile.

On seeing my reaction, he shifted topics and began to describe different techniques I could use to try to slow my racing mind.  He mentioned progressive muscle relaxation, where you start at your toes and do a flex/stretch combination that you repeat as you slowly work your way up your body.

This might work for people who have normal minds, but I’m pretty sure mine wouldn’t make it past my knees before it got distracted and started singing “Dem Bones.”

The doctor suggested a second technique called creative imagery, which involves mentally sending yourself to a specific happy location from your childhood. Here’s hoping Mom has some good womb photos.




  1. Glad to hear there’s a relatively simple fix for your sleep problem! Hope the implementation is just as simple.

    I’m just confused about that double-meaning arousal – so does that mean you snore when you get turned on?

    • The lady on the brochure definitely makes the implementation look straightforward, like she inhales insects every day. If I go this route, I’m pretty sure your second question becomes irrelevant ’cause I’ll be sleeping alone…

  2. Anne Thimm says:

    Karen – I tried Provent. As much as I wanted them to work, it was like drowning for me. They really are not that bad, and you get used to them pretty fast, but I kept waking up and not being able to breath because I’m always congested. I hope they work for you. They are really expensive, so I have extras if you want.

    • Thanks, Anne! My doc told me about a cheaper version you can buy online without a prescription. And I think we can agree that the only thing better than prescription nose butterflies are knockoff, non-regulation ones. I don’t see how this can go wrong.

  3. Luckily butterflies are more attractive than pigs. And Hannibal Lecter in a mask. Although I realize that’s subjective.

  4. Well…

    I am happy that you are not a member of the Hannibal Pig Clan…

    At least there are options…

    Although I would not be as close to “sanity” as I am without my Mask…my Hose…my charming little humming machine… 🙂

    BTW – have you asked your Mom if you snored in the womb… 🙂


    • TS, the prospect of coming close to attaining sanity (which would be a first, for reasons totally unrelated to insomnia) has me ready to ditch my vanity. I placed an order for nose stickers yesterday! While they lack a hose and the white noise bonus, I think you’ll agree they give the mask a run for its money when it comes to pure sex appeal.

  5. Now Karen, with your sense of humor any building with your architecture would be Bau HAHA Huas…does that mean it would be laughed at and not condemned?

    • Haha! You might be on to something there…Give me a few more years and I won’t have to worry because I’ll be old enough to land on the historic registry.


  1. […] with my friend’s advice, some nose stickers, and not much else, I moved in on Monday night.  Philippa came home Tuesday. (Exact quote when I […]

  2. […] then I posted a photo.  I considered going the ultra-honest route and choosing one similar to the nose-sticker ad. I’ll go ‘athletic’ before I let anybody photograph me in the nose […]